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Happy Thanksgiving!

Make this Thanksgiving authentic by recreating its glorious past in the safety of your own home with these super fun activities!

1. Just after that very first mythical thanksgiving, in which Puritans and Indians shared the bounty of the Americas together and gave thanks, the bloody Pequot War of 1633 was fought by the Puritans and their allies against those Indians who dared resist their slave raids. This is easy to recreate! Kidnap your neighbor’s son, and force him to clean your room. When his parents come to take him back, pelt them with rotten fruit. They will thank you! Mmm, apple!

2. The 2nd thanksgiving was declared by the Dutch, following a successful raid encouraged by the governor’s incentive of a “scalp bounty.” Celebrations included kicking the heads of Indians around the streets of Manhattan. Here’s a fun tip: Take all your leftover pumpkins from Halloween, fill them with red Jello™, and kick them around the neighborhood. See the red goo ooze from the carved scary faces. What fun! They’d give you thanks if they could!

3. At long last, Abraham Lincoln declared Thanksgiving to be a national holiday during the Civil War. At the same time, he exemplified the spirit of sharing the bounty of the Americas with the natives by sending troops to fight the Sioux in Minnesota. The operation ended with him ordering 38 Santee Sioux hung on Christmas Eve for leaving the “reservation” to search for food. That’ll teach 'em! Merry Christmas! To be like Abe, wait outside the school cafeteria, and whenever kids come in for lunch, jump them and wrap them up in toilet paper soaked in glue. Haha! Once you have 38 of them wrapped, sing a carol together to praise the birth of Jesus. Thank the Lord!

So Happy Thanksgiving! As you huddle close to your family and friends, take time to give thanks that you are not in contact with the original European settlers of this beautiful country, and specifically that you are not an American Indian of the time. So give thanks! You probably never had to endure such a bloody, thankless invasion, and hopefully will never see such atrocities in your lifetime. In respect for those who rarely received it, please leave an empty chair at the table during your festivities. Be happy, celebrate, but also commemorate the hypocrisy.